Being honest to myself makes me realize that I had been naive and a big fool until now! From here on, I don't know what I will be..One thing is sure, I won't be either that naive innocent girl nor allow myself to be a fool again.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
The Little Addiction!
She sat there holding her head in her hands, the killer headache was blowing its trumpet to weird tunes today. No amount of coffee or tea was helping. The urge to blast someone off was too strong. With the upcoming events and ceremonies keeping her on her toes, she had been having a tough time for past two three weeks. Somewhere inside her head, some nerve signals were egging her to take the phone, dial his number and talk to him. In spite of the splitting headache, she smiled.
Its during such pressure mounting times she miss him more. He had been her balm for a long while. He won't be able to do anything for her issues but still will listen and say "sorry dude, you are in a mess and I don't think I can help" as if she didn't know that! Of course he can't help her because their professions were poles apart but still she used to tell him each and everything about her work and he used to listen most of the times. He was her stress buster, a listening ear, her buddy, her inspiration, her motivation, her.. No, don't go there...its closed chapter.
She closed her eyes tightly concentrating on the pain, willing it away. There are many things waiting for her attention. She cant afford to loose focus and be distracted. But truth be told, she missed him..badly! Not a day passes without thinking about him. Even a random thought would find a way to be associated with something insignificant, which he might mentioned long time back. She had thought that she had buried all the memories associated with him. She had stopped talking to mutual friends, even if she talks to them, she never mentions about him or asks about him. She doesn't check his FB nor check his old messages. In fact she had erased most of them.
She even gave herself a chance to love again only for it to be backfired. Well, "no more love stories for me", she decided, no this is not going to be like her usual decisions, this is a strong resolution, she kept on reminding herself. But how can she stop herself from smiling when she hears about others love stories? Like a stupid idiot, she used to enjoy when others narrate their love stories with a wistful longing in her heart.
Of course, to come out of her addiction of "him" she has decided to become a flirt. Well, not exactly, flirting is never her scene, she herself can feel that she is pathetic in such matters. The irony is that she is an excellent love Guru, passionate about love and life etc etc but in her own life she is a mess in the matters of heart! So much for crying out loud! Her thoughts on the reason for this failure is "Theory is easy, but making the theory a practical happening is difficult since it requires two people" Most of the time her false bravado gives her nervousness away and then the babbling and rambling starts finally she admits she doesn't know what she wants in life. All what she wants looks like an illusion now. Sigh!
Luckily the evening tea time samosa and tea has helped a bit to ease the headache. Get your lazy ass back to work - her brain ordered! no thundered! :-) Its the only way to avoid thinking about him...she don't need him, she reminded herself. Its hard to reign in desires and wishes but for successful and peaceful living somethings have to be let gone. Even though she is a heart person, and hates to admit it, truth is that you should listen to brain once in a while to avoid making yourself a fool.
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Its during such pressure mounting times she miss him more. He had been her balm for a long while. He won't be able to do anything for her issues but still will listen and say "sorry dude, you are in a mess and I don't think I can help" as if she didn't know that! Of course he can't help her because their professions were poles apart but still she used to tell him each and everything about her work and he used to listen most of the times. He was her stress buster, a listening ear, her buddy, her inspiration, her motivation, her.. No, don't go there...its closed chapter.
She closed her eyes tightly concentrating on the pain, willing it away. There are many things waiting for her attention. She cant afford to loose focus and be distracted. But truth be told, she missed him..badly! Not a day passes without thinking about him. Even a random thought would find a way to be associated with something insignificant, which he might mentioned long time back. She had thought that she had buried all the memories associated with him. She had stopped talking to mutual friends, even if she talks to them, she never mentions about him or asks about him. She doesn't check his FB nor check his old messages. In fact she had erased most of them.
She even gave herself a chance to love again only for it to be backfired. Well, "no more love stories for me", she decided, no this is not going to be like her usual decisions, this is a strong resolution, she kept on reminding herself. But how can she stop herself from smiling when she hears about others love stories? Like a stupid idiot, she used to enjoy when others narrate their love stories with a wistful longing in her heart.
Of course, to come out of her addiction of "him" she has decided to become a flirt. Well, not exactly, flirting is never her scene, she herself can feel that she is pathetic in such matters. The irony is that she is an excellent love Guru, passionate about love and life etc etc but in her own life she is a mess in the matters of heart! So much for crying out loud! Her thoughts on the reason for this failure is "Theory is easy, but making the theory a practical happening is difficult since it requires two people" Most of the time her false bravado gives her nervousness away and then the babbling and rambling starts finally she admits she doesn't know what she wants in life. All what she wants looks like an illusion now. Sigh!
Luckily the evening tea time samosa and tea has helped a bit to ease the headache. Get your lazy ass back to work - her brain ordered! no thundered! :-) Its the only way to avoid thinking about him...she don't need him, she reminded herself. Its hard to reign in desires and wishes but for successful and peaceful living somethings have to be let gone. Even though she is a heart person, and hates to admit it, truth is that you should listen to brain once in a while to avoid making yourself a fool.
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Monday, July 22, 2013
Welcome back! The Broken Promise!
Yes, beginning is always the hardest. Starting once again after a long hiatus is going to be more difficult and hard. Still I want to give it a chance.
A madness which had kept me sane,
A craziness which made me happy,
A passion which had engulfed me in a protective bubble.
Giving it wings again,
Allowing it fly again,
Go on, soar high!
Play with the wind,
Live your dreams!
The Broken Promise
She stood alone on that huge stage, dressed in her wedding fineries, eyes closed as if trying to calm her heartbeats..
In front of her, thousands waited silently, giving her silent strength
Backstage her dear ones waited with bated breaths, their admiration for her shone through their tears
Her team wiped their tears and got ready for her, they knew she had to do it..
When she slowly opened her eyes, she didnt see the crowded galleries in front of her or heard their cheering
She could only see those molten chocolate twinkling eyes, winking at her and his voice whispering "Go on meri jaan"
And she began......without him by her side.
Tu mujhe chhod jaaye
Yeh nahi ho sakta, saathiya
Your leaving me, my lover, is not possible
The music flows and her mind recalls the moment she first met him - She was leaving the stage after her dance performance with the full adrenalin rush of excitment, when she was pulled unceremoniously against him. Caught unaware, she was shocked when she went crashing against his hard body and when she looked up, she was lost in those mesmerizing eyes. She closed her eyes to block out her memories and continued from her heart
Meri baaton mein tera zikr sadaa
In my talks there's always a mention of You
Meri yaad mein teri fikr sadaaIn my memories, your worry is always there
Main jo bhi hoon tum hi to hoI am what I am, it is because of You
Mujhe tum se mili apni adaaFrom You only, I got my grace
The backdrop big screen on the stage sprang to life with his visual singing the next lines. This was taken by NK during their rehersal session. The audience could see the love in his eyes when he sung the next lines, looking into her eyes as they danced together in a waltz.
Kyunki tum hi ho, ab tum hi ho
Because it's only You, now it's only You
Zindagi ab tum hi ho..
You're my life now
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi
You're my peace, my pain also
Meri aashiqui ab tum hi ho
You're my only love now
She hadn't turned back to see those visuals since she could feel it in her heart and
she knew one look at his face, then she wont be able to continue, hence without turning back, she sang the next lines
Tum hi ho, tum hi ho
It's only You
Arz bhi, mera marz bhi
My talks, my decisions (choices)
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi
My peace, also my pain
Meri aashiqui ab tum hi ho
You're my only love now
The visual continued showing their recording and fun with their whole team while recording the song, while she walked through her memories of their time together. Their initial fights, his wooing, their first date, their first kiss in the rain, the proposal. The tears which she held back until now started flowing as she heard his next lines - the same lines he sang to her when he proposed her
Tere liye hi jiya main
I lived for You only
Khud ko jo yun de diya hai
I've given myself away in this way
Teri wafa ne mujhko sambhala
Your faithfulness cared for me
Saare ghamon ko dil se nikaala
It took away all the sadnesses from the heart
Main jo mit bhi gaya tto wajood mera
Even if I get eradicated, still my existence
Sadaa tujh mein rahe zinda
Shall remain alive inside You forever
She turned to look at him in screen, his face being shown as close up while he sang. It looked like he was singing looking at her..
Kyun ki tum hi ho, abb tum hi ho
Because it's only You, now it's only You
Ki zindagi abb tum hi ho.. woh o..
You're my life now
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi
You're my peace, my pain also
Meri aashiqui abb tum hi ho
You're my only love now
She walked towards the screen singing..
Tum hi ho, tum hi ho
It's only You
Ki zindagi abb tum hi ho.. woh o..
You're my life now
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi
My peace, also my pain
Meri aashiqui ab tum hi ho
You're my only love now
As the song ending music flowed she felt her knees give away and she gave in
to the trauma she held at bay till now.
He might have broken his promise of "hamesha mein tumare saath hum" in person but she knew in her heart that he will always be there, for he was her soul!
Inspiration: Meri Aashiqui song, this song had been haunting me ever since I heard it first time. The pain and emotion has clutched my heart like anything hence I thought of letting my imagination into words whenever I hear this song.
I got to thank two people for pushing me back into writing. They had always been behind me asking to come back ever since I gave up writing. So yes, even though this piece is not your cup of tea- I dedicate it to you both - Adhiti & Harsha!
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